Low

Sunday 26th September

I am feeling terribly low at the moment.

The family came to see me and had a wonderful two hours with Euan just kicking the ball in the back garden as I am yet to be cleared to leave the clinic. Hoping that is tomorrow. It was wonderful and rewarding to be just kicking the ball back and forward. But it started to get hard as I realised that I had used up all my energy being happy. I didn’t think that simply pleasures required such energy but, I was drained as they left.

I was drained because I felt that I was unable to give anymore and that has made me sad. Sad that I only have so much to give right now and sad at the thought of how far I have to go to be able to offer that constant level of energy that Euan deserves. I want to sleep, I want to feel numb. At least I have made the effort to sit and write it down. The test now is to train this mind of mine no to dwell on it, whereas up until now my habit, almost ritual is to be churning these thoughts over and over. Then trying to remember how I feel at a later point. I have to see this as a plus.

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~ by Rob McClintock on September 30, 2010.

One Response to “Low”

  1. sounds like you gave him 100% of what you had available … thats pretty good … xxx

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