Mornings

Morning

The mornings are an interesting prospect for me. I wake up dehydrated from medication and then I quickly search for a sense of what the day ahead is going to be like, mentally. For me this is the moment where I dread a momentary thought lapse that leads me to assuming things are all but heading south.

These past few mornings have been different whether that is the change in medication kicking in or not, I really am not sure, but I shall not dwell at this point. There have been positive airs about me and my surrounds. A routine perhaps, the lack of worry about obligations and chores that await me, or maybe, just maybe, the brain is starting to unwind and accept at some level an amount of contentedness. A place that my body had reached earlier this week.

With this feeling of contentment, it at times feels like walking a tight rope, an emotional balancing bar in hand. On one side the positive urges, the other side lumbered with the negative baggage of the past mornings experiences. I am swaying from large rushes of positive, hyper mood whilst at the same time this brain of mine tries to subdue the feelings with the negatives opposite. To me a true sensory overload of Fight or Flight instincts. Do I fight for the present and future optimism or flee to the comfort of this depression.

I have become so accustomed to having to cope with the crashes that the mind is unwilling to let itself enjoy the euphoria and wants to temper it with fears that if you let this go on too long then there will be the inevitable crash and repairs required. You fight it by trying to apply some mindfulness in the attempt to slowing train to the mind to maintain the high.

Right now I am feeling a rush, a high, the comparison in my head being like the onset of pill, heading ever upwards to that euphoric peak. But the mind is already searching for reasons and ways to maintain it, ways to cope and mange the plateau once it arrives. Do I need more, how long will this last, what’s next? In this moment I am now challenged by myself to harness it and store it for the day ahead. Talk about wanting to live in the moment, ‘right here, right now there’s no other place I’d rather be’ to quote Jesus Jones. Do it all. Do it all now. Solve every problem that I face, lets even drag up the dormant ones to really heap it on.

Fuck the consequences. Let’s party on this achievement of surging energies.

The pace is fast, the thoughts scattered.

It all seems too familiar except that I now notice the settings and reasons are all wrong.

Still Chaotic and Vibrant up, up, up and up.

Let us just keep adding to this sensory overload. More, more, more. Gorge yourself on every emotion smashing into this brain yours, I say.

Press play.

The mellow jazz I have on in the background seems placid meaningful.

Stop.

Breathe and engage the rational mind.

Start.

Still the buzz, the swarming and flitting focus from emotional thought to emotion thought to erratic practicality.

Stop.

Walk, smoke, assess.

Yes brain we can do all those things but can we please just accept this moment for what it is.

Good.

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~ by Rob McClintock on October 3, 2010.

3 Responses to “Mornings”

  1. Thank you for sharing Rob … ride each moment, we don’t get them again, the mindfulness surf board will help you out … sending you a hug in this moment xxx

  2. It’s nice to know that other people have the similar feelings as me. Like you said, when Im happy I constantly think “shit Im happy, how do I stay this way?” and in the end I use up so much energy trying to ‘stay’ happy that I usually end up sad once again and feel even more depressed for not being able to stay happy.

    • Aint that the truth. And as I am coming to realise that all this effort of trying to stay happy is just my brain trying to do something impossible. Impossible in the sense that it is truly unsustainable. The grey matter has this drive towards task driven happiness, I am slowly realising that I am having to retrain it to gain the same happiness through just being. Just being a dad, just being content with the surroundings and what is in front of me now, rather that what could be there later.

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