I have finished this day scarred.

The family came to visit. My boy rode around the garden on his bike full of chatter and questions. The aim was for us all to go out for a while, but as soon as we mentioned and asked boy what he would like to do with me, his simple answer was to stay here. Why? because Daddy is not well and needs to stay in hospital.

I took him to see the nurses and ask them if daddy could go out, to which they replied, “Of course he can, where will you go?” No daddy needs to stay here.We tried showing him trailers on Youtube of Despicable Me and Cats and Dogs. No, he just wanted to watch them on the computer. Lou was in tears, I was heartbroken.

We walked down the hallway. I sat down and he sat in my lap as he does. I asked him what was wrong and why he thought that I could not go out. “Daddy I am sad, Mummy and me are all alone at home without you. There are only two of us at home. Then mummy will go and there will only be me and that’s only one, then I’ll be gone”

Uncontrollable sobbing was all I could muster. The innocence yet the pain he displayed was all too much for me. I sobbed, I wailed, I could not be consoled. Then the anger rose, even through the tears there was a rage, a burning desire to lash out at the world and scream. Scream filled with hatred of this cursed illness. All I wanted to come out of this treatment was stability and happiness and all that was before me was the thoughts and perceptions of a sad and confused Mr3.5.

For a moment the tiled wall was going to be my punching bag, I wanted to pummel every last thought of this malignant illness into submission but the tears continued to blind my rage and the sorrow kept sweeping over me. I could do nothing but fall to my knees, crying.

I sought help from the nursing staff, who of course were practical and understanding, sitting there placing everything into perspective for me. Then they went and saw Mr3.5 and talked to him and Lou. But all the time I was thinking of how much this illness has robbed me and scarred both myself and my family. It cuts deep at first, like a paper cut, acute and accurate then it remains throbbed under the surface, unwilling to let you forget the pain.

Now that I know he is asleep and surrounded by happy dreams I feel better. Now knowing the day is behind me and tomorrow may offer better things gives me some peace.

But I know deep down we have all been scarred.


~ by Rob McClintock on October 4, 2010.

2 Responses to “Scarred”

  1. lots of love from me to you Rob … a hard day for sure … the love you three have will get you through it and throw mine into the mix as well.

    xxx tans

  2. Rob, Tears came to my eyes for you all as I read this. Tears for you all as you all try to understand the depths. You will all get through this journey together as a whole. Hug each other tightly each and every day and and as Tanya said the love of all three of you will get you through. Sending you all my love to. Luc xxx

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