Recovery

This post is out of order, it should be the first post I wrote.

To start the day with sun and beauty was hard as the anguish of waking to the thoughts that I had not the energy or the happiness to enjoy was extremely frustrating.

Yet again the thoughts were of how I could get out of my head the ramblings was a frustration.

Frustration is a constant at the moment as everything thing I do seems too  little and every thing that I think seems to insurmountable.

Where do you start to reflect on a struggle that with ongoing retrospections seems to endlessly spiral further and further into your youth to a time where recollection is difficult and therefore the events and memories that you search for are harder to find.

Do you start writing about each and every event or incident in your life, or just the ones that seem to matter most at that given moment. How do you then start to string and compile them together into a stream of thought that resembles some form of clarity?

I am sure that there are the constants of what I did when I succumb to the depression. The addictive habits, or nature that I indulged in, whether it be gambling substance or behaviour. How can I pass judgement on these when at the time many of them brought the happiness and escapist relief that I so desired. Memories of the relationship (in some cases I guess you could call them friendships) were formed and in the days of recent times they are what I call on for a smile and an attempt to summon up the feelings of happiness that I remember them bringing me.

I am unsure as to how I will document or account the events that occurred throughout my life which I believe may have been evidence of behaviour associated with the depression, or how I will describe them, positive or negatively.  My dilemma is that if I do not make account of them then I am not being honest with myself, for fear of stigma. Yet I really am not writing this for anyone but myself. Others I hope will read it, take from it what they will, however, judgement should be left aside. I myself in writing this am passing judgement on myself yet again. I know that I am only seeking vindication from myself, but living within the society I do and knowing and indulging vicariously no doubt I shall not be pardoned of comment or opinion.

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~ by Rob McClintock on October 5, 2010.

One Response to “Recovery”

  1. Hi Rob,
    I just came across your blog. I admire your courage in releasing your story to the world. I’m in your corner in this. I too have lived with anxiety and depression for a long time.

    Reading your posts, I was reminded by a Taoist story I heard earlier this year. Maybe it will have meaning for you?

    Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
    “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
    The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
    “Maybe,” replied the old man.
    The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
    “Maybe,” answered the farmer.
    The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
    “Maybe,” said the farmer.
    — from http://www.awakeblogger.com/2008/09/the-10-very-best-zen-stories/

    We’re all human. The things you have done don’t make you a monster. I believe they’ve given you, and will give you more, great insight that many others don’t possess.

    All the best,
    Rob.

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